cutting

I'm in the middle of a strange process that I need to talk with someone about. Forgive this for being a little trite, but it's real nonetheless. I am going through my list of "friends" on facebook and passing judgment on each person, and either keeping them or deleting them. It feels cold, yet necessary. The underlying assumption to this process is that it matters. I have yet to come to conclusion on that question, but let's assume it does.

So of these 429 people I call friends, who passes the test? Well, let's be honest about what the test is. There are some clear criteria:

1. Are we currently friends or colleagues in real life? Meaning, have we interacted in a personal/professional manner in the past 3 years. Work with me...

2. Do you have something that I want now or may want at some time in the foreseeable future? This could be information, skills, access, proximity to something/someone, or a stretch hummer.

3. Do I just think you're cool and get some kind of pleasure out of being associated with you?

4. Would I want to go on a date with you if it came up? If yes, then we're good.

5. Would there be other social ramifications to us not being friends on facebook? Am I willing to live with those? This is really about the weird-factor: will it be weird if I delete you?

6. Are we related? Family get's a bye no matter how close we are.

I assure you, if you're reading this, then you've passed on criterion number one. I would never be so cold as to just have you as facebook friend because you're a cute girl and I like having an excuse to be associated with you. We don't do that, right?

So how legit is my social network? Some of these folks I would take a bullet for. Others I met one day and may not meet again, but am glad that I've accumulated them. Is there shame in such disparity on a single plane of social contacts? Should my mom, my boss, my best bud, someone from 8th grade homeroom, the hot friend of a friend, my college adviser, my neighbor, a good friend I see every few months, someone I made out with once, someone I got arrested with once, my step-sister, and a former co-worker's girlfriend all be equitable? Maybe there's a way to prioritize these people. But that feels dirty and judgmental, and would not be well-received by those no on the top shelf. Right?

I just want to be honest. But I don't think that's the point here.

Trumping all this, my ego is not feeling like acknowledging that only 50 or so of these 400+ people I get the luxury of calling "friends," are anything more than acquaintances or people I used to know. I've put a screen on the social cycle so as to not let people out of my network once they've come in. So beware, should you have a quality conversation with me at a wedding someday. You might be opening yourself up to years of seeing what my college roommate thinks about that drunken picture of me in Mexico, and my egocentric, faux-intellectual blog post announcements. Maybe we should consult each other on this before I walk back over to the bar and you get caught up with the bride's cousin, who wants to dance, but chooses to make a comment about the straps on your dress instead. You'll feel weird about refusing my friend-request next week, and I'll feel weird about deleting you in two years when I can't remember where we met. Should we just avoid the whole thing? Cause I don't know if this is going anywhere, no matter how cute and/or sophisticated you are. No, let's keep it open. See what happens. Maybe someday I'll look through your New Zealand vacation pics and be inspired to restart that conversation about the parenting-in-the-21st-century book that we could write.

Until then, keep a picture up that let's me recognize you, and we'll be fine. Seriously.

See....